No Pain No Gain: Vipassana's gruelling road to enlightenment
I can't lie, I've been putting this off.
Usually I sink into writing my blog with such a sense of delight.
Indeed, I composed endless posts in my head while cut off from the world of expression on my 10 day Vipassana Retreat.
As the inmates started dropping like flies, I dubbed it The Hunger Games of Meditation Retreats.
The rules are many and stringently enforced.
I felt that I was a prisoner from the moment I arrived.
Repeatedly I reminded myself that I had signed up for it. That I wasn't being held against my will.
Yet, as I etched out "Help" with my finger on the fogged up window of what I thought of as my prison cell on Day 3, I couldn't help casting myself as Offred in the Handmaid's Tale. There is a strongly enforced hetero-normative gender divide in place on Vipassana. Though both men and women are held to the same constraints.
I actually stopped at "Hel"...and thought that Hell might be an apt description of my circumstances, but also a legitimate cry of "Hello! Anyone out there?!"
Don't get me wrong, I love silence, I love meditation.
I don't love being in trouble constantly -- for stepping over the arbitrary boundaries that are everywhere, for sleeping past 4am after sitting in pain for 11 hours day in and day out, for listening to my inner wisdom that says rest and move, laugh and sing, share...a smile, a hug, a story.
I was in an almost constant state of fear.
I had known that I was entering a crucible experience, but hadn't fully comprehended the extent of the suffering. It wasn't about the crazy schedule or the deprivation -- 2 meals a day, only 5 hours of prescribed outdoor time, no recourse to any distraction or comfort, no writing, reading, contact with anyone there or elsewhere -- it was about the PAIN.
I'm talking searing pain.
Agony.
I had a vision during one of my meditations (trust me, I know how this sounds) of me wearing the thorny crown of Jesus at crucifixion.
This was after days of unrelenting, excruciating pain and zero sleep.
After lunch we were permitted to meet with the teacher for 5min questions.
I said: The pain...the lack of sleep...
She said: Everyone's experiencing it.
So, as we say in South Africa, gaan maar aan (the Afrikaans version of "Keep Calm and Carry On"). Or, as I said to a lovely woman on Day 10 when we were permitted to talk to those we had sweated alongside for those longest of days, "jy wil mos" (you wanted to).
It was an international group. Lots of Millenials backpacking through South Africa. I was deeply moved by their courage to sit with themselves, their pain, in so unrelenting a fashion. Also very concerned for their wellbeing.
As Goenke himself put it -- it's like a deep surgery into the root of your patterns of reaction. One of my Flow students had mentioned that as psychologists they often discuss how very damaging it can be to the psyche to undergo this brutal self-analysis sans mirror.
You are left entirely to the workings of your own mind.
Yes, it's revealing, and after about 5 days, when I finally slept, my dreams were horrible nightmares that clearly laid bare my many primal wounds and unresolved issues...or things I thought were resolved, but clearly weren't.
I cried.
I packed to leave.
I stayed.
It was like being trapped in a bad relationship -- it's abusive, it cuts you off from your loved ones and anything that brings you joy, it tells you it's for your own good, you keep thinking it will get better.
It doesn't.
I was determined not to turn this into a rant.
So, what about the positives?
The technique is solid, tried and tested, dead simple.
For 3 days you watch the natural breath -- Anapana.
Perhaps because I've been doing this for about 2 decades, it was very straight forward.
This is to help still the mind and keep it focussed.
Perhaps mine was on too tight a leash because at night sleep was impossible, the mind needed to run amok.
Then begins the Vipassana which is just watching "the subtle flow of energy" throughout the body. For me there is absolutely nothing subtle about my energetic body. It courses like a raging ocean. Eyes open or closed, sitting in meditation or going about my daily business, I'm always keenly aware of it.
But...this was quite a revelation...for many people it requires 11 hours a day and 10 days of solitary confinement to BEGIN to raise their awareness.
Different strokes for different folks.
Every night Goenke chats to you -- here's Day 1's Discourse:
I could see the teacher was quite irked by the fact that the moment I close my eyes not only do I feel the energetic body keenly but witness the many beautiful visions that give meditation a good rap -- the indigo third eye, the golden dancing atoms that we are, that everything is.
And yes! They are BLISS, beautiful, truth.
However, the excruciating pain...
I thought of the Dhamma Hall as the Torture Chamber.
In Strong Determination we would sit without moving. I was mostly in a cold sweat of agony with my old injuries, or samskaras according to Eastern Philosophy, those physical manifestations of things we've done wrong in this life and former lives. I'm not dissing it. I actually know the origins of my pains and have had some rather convincing flashes of previous lives in meditation.
But ja. I also have limited patience for self-inflicted pain. Sado-masochism.
And that's how it felt.
It felt unkind.
I wondered how this could be in keeping with Buddha's middle way or that fundamental principle of Ahimsa.
Goenke is against any ritual or use of mantra or any words/thoughts that can come between you and the sensations of your body. Our bodies exist to enlighten us.
I loved the mindfulness approach of experiencing everything you do in terms of sensation in the body.
This was an eye opener.
Also the fundamental principle of Anitcha -- Change...impermanence.
Everything that arises, falls away.
There was no comfort for this longest 10 days of my life. I hadn't been in so much pain since giving birth to my son and that was only a 3 day labour.
But there was a flock of swallows that flew in endless figures of 8, the infinity symbol. Rising and falling, rising and falling.
The mountains that were so snowy, turned green.
The blossoms that were so sweet gave way to spring green.
I happened upon a little family of guinea fowl along the limited pathway we were allowed on during prescribed outdoor time that I maximised.
Yes, the Law of Nature, is clear.
And we are nature.
So even the hideous pain of those 10 days has fallen away.
I learnt that Enlightenment isn't only about seeing the golden web of energy -- all the LIGHT that we are -- it's about developing Equanimity. I need to stop reacting to my pain. We create more suffering in resisting suffering. Or clinging to pleasure.
I know that expectation is the mother of all disappointment and I must admit that I had hoped for some dazzling vision and insight.
I did have some beautiful visions, hard-won, as well as hard-hitting insights.
But I cannot forget that I was given a gift, unasked for when I was about 21 sitting in that hallowed temple, the London tube -- I saw it clearly, the dancing golden atoms, the web of love that connects us all.
I couldn't name it, but knew it was True and Beautiful and Love.
So when Goenke and the teacher on site said that this vision of the beauty that we are is something you get to "patiently and persistently" and "on the advanced courses," I know that that's nonsense.
Yes discipline is important.
But KINDNESS is essential.
Grace.
On Day 6 I realised that everyone, teacher included, had many cushions to help support themselves in the endless seated agony...I had none.
I laughed! (in a Noble Silence kinda way)
Maybe some of us need less discipline and a lot more self-love.
I'm happy that I've evolved past other people's rules.
It's been a long hard journey to this point.
I am deeply sceptical of these heavy handed masculine structures.
Honestly I feel they do more harm than good...for me.
You decide for yourself.
Usually I sink into writing my blog with such a sense of delight.
Indeed, I composed endless posts in my head while cut off from the world of expression on my 10 day Vipassana Retreat.
 |
| Don't Fence Me In - Metaphor for the prisons we make of our own minds? |
The rules are many and stringently enforced.
I felt that I was a prisoner from the moment I arrived.
Repeatedly I reminded myself that I had signed up for it. That I wasn't being held against my will.
Yet, as I etched out "Help" with my finger on the fogged up window of what I thought of as my prison cell on Day 3, I couldn't help casting myself as Offred in the Handmaid's Tale. There is a strongly enforced hetero-normative gender divide in place on Vipassana. Though both men and women are held to the same constraints.
 |
| I choose Gilead over Vipassana |
Don't get me wrong, I love silence, I love meditation.
I don't love being in trouble constantly -- for stepping over the arbitrary boundaries that are everywhere, for sleeping past 4am after sitting in pain for 11 hours day in and day out, for listening to my inner wisdom that says rest and move, laugh and sing, share...a smile, a hug, a story.
I was in an almost constant state of fear.
 |
| Daily Schedule |
I'm talking searing pain.
Agony.
I had a vision during one of my meditations (trust me, I know how this sounds) of me wearing the thorny crown of Jesus at crucifixion.
 |
| Self-Portrait Vipassana Days 1-10 |
After lunch we were permitted to meet with the teacher for 5min questions.
I said: The pain...the lack of sleep...
She said: Everyone's experiencing it.
So, as we say in South Africa, gaan maar aan (the Afrikaans version of "Keep Calm and Carry On"). Or, as I said to a lovely woman on Day 10 when we were permitted to talk to those we had sweated alongside for those longest of days, "jy wil mos" (you wanted to).
It was an international group. Lots of Millenials backpacking through South Africa. I was deeply moved by their courage to sit with themselves, their pain, in so unrelenting a fashion. Also very concerned for their wellbeing.
 |
| Spot the Relief -- dining hall on Day 10 when Noble Silence ended |
You are left entirely to the workings of your own mind.
Yes, it's revealing, and after about 5 days, when I finally slept, my dreams were horrible nightmares that clearly laid bare my many primal wounds and unresolved issues...or things I thought were resolved, but clearly weren't.
I cried.
I packed to leave.
I stayed.
It was like being trapped in a bad relationship -- it's abusive, it cuts you off from your loved ones and anything that brings you joy, it tells you it's for your own good, you keep thinking it will get better.
It doesn't.
I was determined not to turn this into a rant.
So, what about the positives?
The technique is solid, tried and tested, dead simple.
For 3 days you watch the natural breath -- Anapana.
Perhaps because I've been doing this for about 2 decades, it was very straight forward.
This is to help still the mind and keep it focussed.
Perhaps mine was on too tight a leash because at night sleep was impossible, the mind needed to run amok.
Then begins the Vipassana which is just watching "the subtle flow of energy" throughout the body. For me there is absolutely nothing subtle about my energetic body. It courses like a raging ocean. Eyes open or closed, sitting in meditation or going about my daily business, I'm always keenly aware of it.
But...this was quite a revelation...for many people it requires 11 hours a day and 10 days of solitary confinement to BEGIN to raise their awareness.
Different strokes for different folks.
Every night Goenke chats to you -- here's Day 1's Discourse:
I could see the teacher was quite irked by the fact that the moment I close my eyes not only do I feel the energetic body keenly but witness the many beautiful visions that give meditation a good rap -- the indigo third eye, the golden dancing atoms that we are, that everything is.
And yes! They are BLISS, beautiful, truth.
However, the excruciating pain...
I thought of the Dhamma Hall as the Torture Chamber.
In Strong Determination we would sit without moving. I was mostly in a cold sweat of agony with my old injuries, or samskaras according to Eastern Philosophy, those physical manifestations of things we've done wrong in this life and former lives. I'm not dissing it. I actually know the origins of my pains and have had some rather convincing flashes of previous lives in meditation.
But ja. I also have limited patience for self-inflicted pain. Sado-masochism.
And that's how it felt.
It felt unkind.
I wondered how this could be in keeping with Buddha's middle way or that fundamental principle of Ahimsa.
Goenke is against any ritual or use of mantra or any words/thoughts that can come between you and the sensations of your body. Our bodies exist to enlighten us.
I loved the mindfulness approach of experiencing everything you do in terms of sensation in the body.
This was an eye opener.
Also the fundamental principle of Anitcha -- Change...impermanence.
Everything that arises, falls away.
There was no comfort for this longest 10 days of my life. I hadn't been in so much pain since giving birth to my son and that was only a 3 day labour.
But there was a flock of swallows that flew in endless figures of 8, the infinity symbol. Rising and falling, rising and falling.
The mountains that were so snowy, turned green.
The blossoms that were so sweet gave way to spring green.
I happened upon a little family of guinea fowl along the limited pathway we were allowed on during prescribed outdoor time that I maximised.
 |
| Two options -- right to your room, left to the dining room |
And we are nature.
So even the hideous pain of those 10 days has fallen away.
I learnt that Enlightenment isn't only about seeing the golden web of energy -- all the LIGHT that we are -- it's about developing Equanimity. I need to stop reacting to my pain. We create more suffering in resisting suffering. Or clinging to pleasure.
I know that expectation is the mother of all disappointment and I must admit that I had hoped for some dazzling vision and insight.
I did have some beautiful visions, hard-won, as well as hard-hitting insights.
But I cannot forget that I was given a gift, unasked for when I was about 21 sitting in that hallowed temple, the London tube -- I saw it clearly, the dancing golden atoms, the web of love that connects us all.
I couldn't name it, but knew it was True and Beautiful and Love.
So when Goenke and the teacher on site said that this vision of the beauty that we are is something you get to "patiently and persistently" and "on the advanced courses," I know that that's nonsense.
Yes discipline is important.
But KINDNESS is essential.
Grace.
On Day 6 I realised that everyone, teacher included, had many cushions to help support themselves in the endless seated agony...I had none.
I laughed! (in a Noble Silence kinda way)
Maybe some of us need less discipline and a lot more self-love.
I'm happy that I've evolved past other people's rules.
It's been a long hard journey to this point.
I am deeply sceptical of these heavy handed masculine structures.
Honestly I feel they do more harm than good...for me.
You decide for yourself.
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