Zen Retreat: Monastic mindfulness every day

I woke up this morning from a dream of angels tenderly ministering to me. 

Angels of light, reaching down gently. 

I'm walking on Noordhoek Beach now. Something I've done almost every day for over a decade and never twice has it been remotely the same. 

The quality of the light today is exceptional. And the stillness. 

Even the ocean is really calm today, after it chewed me up and spat me out yesterday, when I had my first surf in very wild water since lockdown began in March. I'm feeling it today, that's for sure. Feeling every second of my almost half century in this body. 

I recently finished reading The Saffron Road about Buddhist nuns across the world. It cemented a long-held desire of mine to devote myself to spiritual practice. I went to Catholic Convent School and I just wanted to be a nun so badly. My mom broke it to me gently that I was Mormon and that monasticism wasn't an option for us. Rather, I should marry and have children. 

 

As a fierce feminist from early on, I could see that that was a bit of a bum deal. But I have now spent a good long time in the domestic role. And if this life is about learning lessons, they certainly come thick and fast in the householding realm. It's nothing if not humbling and challenging. Particularly as you strive to be mindful moment by moment.  I have found such comfort in the nuns of Nonnatus House in Call the Midwife. This show reminds us of everything we have lost in terms of faith and community. Sister Monica Joan is one of my favourite favourites with her penchant for poetry, astrology and cake. Such delightfully nuanced characters and a reminder of what really matters. Common decency, kindness, presence. 

Tenzin Palmo

One of the nuns featured in The Saffron Road is Tenzin Palmo who spent 12 years in solitary meditation in a cave which, as she puts it, is favourable to day-to-day living. I feel the same way. In researching these different Buddhist orders and options I realised that what it is that I'm looking for "over there" in that nunnery is the discipline, the holding structure. I consider myself a fairly self-disciplined person. In taking up vows I wouldn't need to change much about my lifestyle. Something that was pointed out by dear friend and Flow supporter Ilona. "You're already a nun," she laughed. Interrogating what it is that I long for in that Other life, I have recommitted myself to daily seated meditation practice which has been a salve during a rather trying time. Go ahead and give it a try. It can only help.

In terms of the daily monastic routine, a very early start to meditate, when your body is somewhat rested and your mind calmer, the world still asleep, is wonderful, although traditionally I've always been more of a night owl than an early bird. Only two frugal meals a day -- breakfast and lunch -- might have once given me pause what with my fast metabolism and tendency to graze to keep low blood sugar at bay. But when you're spending more time in mindful contemplation and less time in a frazzled adrenaline state, then you can get by with less food and sleep. Plus menopause has brought about significant changes in this body. These requirements no longer give me pause.

Prolonged periods of meditation is what I long for. It is certainly the most attractive of what's on offer within the monastic setting -- even though I know how difficult that longed for inner work can be too. It requires great effort to reach that place of effortless being. I have not forgotten the difficulties of my 10 day Vipassana Retreat.  Our primary work in this life is to make peace with ourselves and cut through the crap. Our manifold delusions and ego games can really be addressed through meditation and it's also a way to find lasting peace. Although I'm very wary of idolising others or placing people in roles of spiritual authority, just looking at the visages of these who have dedicated their lives to meditation is a joy. Listening to them speak is one of life's greatest blessings. I've been listening to dharma talks while doing chores, driving and while practicing yoga. It helps!

Thich Nhat Hahn affectionately known as Thay or Teacher

Then there's service -- surely we're here together to be of service...which is why Thich Nhat Hahn's Engaged Buddhism is particularly appealing with their very active programs in schools and prisons.

There are only two things I'm balking at in consideration of monasticism. 

One is dogma. Even Buddhism, which proclaims itself non-religious, still has a lot of attendant bells and whistles. I'm not averse to ritual. We sorely lack it in this profane world and we crave it, as it helps lend meaning to existence and ushers in sorely needed reverence. Thich Nhat Hahn says so much of what I've come to in my long years of spiritual seeking & ever unfolding spiral way. It's about coming home to ourselves, asking for forgiveness, learning how to coexist with all that is uncomfortable within us. Making space for everything. It's not an either/or situation. 

Something I've seen in holding Retreat space is that where there is suffering there's a false duality of thinking that within me or someone/thing else there is something "bad." It is an illusion. We are all here together on purpose. With everything. And it's perfect. 

Back to dogma. As a teen I started shaving my head one night because I was in love with Sinead O'Connor and my mom rushed in crying: "Your crowning glory!" I must say I like my easy hair that I just wash and wear once weekly. But I don't think I'm overly attached to it. I do think it would be chilly without it. A shaved head sets one apart though. I honestly believe we're all here to realise that we're one, not separate. The uniform or robes, on the other hand, really appeal to me. So much. Clothing has always struck me as a pain in the butt. But again, donning robes sets one apart. 

Sinead O'Connor erstwhile pop star, priest, now convert to Islam sang "In the sun I feel as one"

 

Some horse and dog drama unfolds as per usual here on the beach. The riders are young and resilient, they gallop away, not as prone to rage as many seem to be these days. In one of Thich Nhat Hahn's dharma talks (happy continuation day as you near the end of this embodiment dear Thay) he says that when your suffering is unbearable it helps to sit in community, or with the Sangha. It's exactly why I started Flow. If you're not in an organised religion, you really miss that community of spirit. It's why retreats are so powerful. They offer a place of safety, vulnerability, and trust in the holding of the group. It's so beautiful. 

And yet this is the second of my concerns regarding taking up vows and committing to the monastic life -- sharing a room. Never a moment's privacy. Again the persistent illusion of our separation comes to the fore. Or perhaps I should just retreat into hermetic solitude. But I agree with Thay. We need community. It supports us and it holds us accountable. We are not the Little Prince alone on our own planets after all. Of course communal living also goes pear shaped regularly. I've seen that first hand within religious and other aspirational collectives. Despite the best intentions, egos will pull apart that which was meant to build up. 

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

I have a dream of manifesting a space that is free, where people can gather together, meditate, support one another, and grow clean food sustainably while living in harmony with our Earth. As my husband says, growing your own food is real alchemy. The love from beginning to end, the generosity and connection to that which we are, the Natural World, is truly beautiful. A place free of dogma, but filled with the discipline of mindfulness. Where we can nurture our soul's desire to be liberated from the chains of small-mindedness. I'm putting it out there.

In the meantime I look forward to deepening my practice in community by attending retreats at The Dharma Centre in Robertson and the Garden Route Zen Centre over December and January. What better way to close out this challenging year and greet the new one. 

There's also the very appealing Stoep Zen in the Karoo which is yet to reopen their organised retreats in the time of COVID-19. I remember most fondly retreats with the monks and masters at Nan Hua Buddhist Temple near Pretoria. As well as my year teaching in Japan and learning from Zen monks in ancient temples. Also the unforgettable stay with Tibetan monks in India. I am so looking forward to more sangha support. During this time of enforced separation it became abundantly clear how much we need one another.

Here are some of my retreats and workshops coming up if you too feel the need for support -- 

a small private retreat at Churchhaven & a reunion of Temenos Retreatants in November, 

a December Workshop in Pretoria, 

& Bodhi Khaya birthday celebration in February 2021. 

Please let me know if you would like to book a spot. 

I would very much like to spend more of my time holding retreats, which is my soul's joy. It truly feels like time best spent for all involved. After our Temenos Retreat the feedback from participants was most heartening. All were facing significant challenges and emerged stronger, clearer and kinder.

People I've never met irl but who joined me for Facebook Flow during lockdown have really touched my heart with their warm feedback. I received this letter from someone in England. Thank you darling. 

I would love to hold retreat in England Mid-March - Early April. 

Many thanks to Willie, Izzy, Wendy and others who have offered suggestions. If you know of a great spot, please let me know. I'm still looking for the right space.

Then I hope to spend concerted time in meditation at Plum Village, Thich Nhat Hahn's monastery in Bordeaux, before faciliating my retreat in Corsica. 

I would also love to visit America mid-year and hopefully spend time meditating there too. Pema Chödrön's Gampo Abbey in Canada is also calling.  

Pema Chödrön

 

Things being as they are with the pandemic, we are reminded to remain flexible. Reminded that we are part of the Law of Nature -- Change. Also that all we have is this moment. That even as we cook, clean, check e-mails and do all those daily deeds, we should bring something of the monastery into the present moment. Noticing the breath. Releasing tension. Being mindful. 

It is not easy. But it is worth it.

If anyone has a space or knows of a space suitable for me to host retreats, please reach out. The world is small. Nowhere is too far.

I see a pair of cormorants ducking and diving in the crystal cold Atlantic waters. They surf the waves effortlessly, enjoying this fleeting and eternal moment.

What a beautiful world. I'm so grateful. 

 

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